put to the test

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I really do not enjoy feeling uncomfortable.   That would go for a lot of people.  But not uncomfortable in the sense of, I can’t get comfortable in this chair or I am so uncomfortable I can’t sleep (which happens to me a lot!) but in the sense of conversationally uncomfortable.

This is not something I willingly share,  because it did make me uncomfortable and this blog was not designed FOR me to feel uncomfortable.    As a matter of fact I feel incredibly comfortable here, so much so that I will tell the good, the bad and the uncomfortable  (just to slip that word in one more time haha!) because it is all really part of my story – part of my journey of faith.  Part of me – like it or not.

One of my biggest hurdles my whole adult life has been to not focus on what others think of me.  It’s something I think a lot of women deal with, and probably men too at times, but for me its, in my past, taken over who I really was.
It’s been a great probably 4-5 years of self discovery for me as came into my 30’s and now nearly turning 32, I think age and getting older helps with this sort of confidence issue – but let me tell you it no longer defines me.  I still lack confidence in certain areas but I now know that with God all things are possible.  There is a confidence there that just overcomes everything with Him involved!

But still, I am not perfect and thus my uncomfortable disappointment with myself.

It happened yesterday when I became a part of a conversation which turned to gossiping about other people.  Which I really don’t like being around and I tried to divert the conversation.  I thought it had worked however as part of I guess a conclusion to the gossiping they ended with “well that’s what you get from born again christians you can’t trust any of them’ ‘i’m yet to meet one that i can trust’.
My mouth straight away began to say well I’m a Christian and I’m lovely!  But it stopped and I couldn’t speak and get the words out.   Instead I came out with that is a huge generalisation guys.  Indeed NOT what I wanted to say.

I tell you I walked away so annoying at myself it was a little overwhelming.  I immediately emailed my husband to tell him what happened and how frustrated I was that I couldn’t speak my faith let alone defend it!!!

And what he replied with was nothing short of amazing to me.

Haha, well you SHOULD speak up. In the bible Jesus says something like “because you said you knew me to people, I will tell my father I know you”

But it’s a tough thing cos a lot of times its filled with persecution. Peter denied Jesus 3 times in the same day and he was one of Jesus’ closest and best friends. So yeah, you should say something, but its tough to”

Luke 12:8-9 > “I tell you, whoever publicly acknowledges me before others, the Son of Man will also acknowledge before the angels of God. But whoever disowns me before others will be disowned before the angels of God.

Matthew 10:32 > “Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.

The thing is that I’ve been praying for God to help me find the words when needed to speak to others of my Christianity and to not be afraid to speak about it to those who are not Christian or who I know would judge me.  I’ve been praying for the past few weeks exactly on this!  And here I was being tested and I had the words there on the tip of my tongue to speak – and I failed!

I will be honest, I am upset with myself for having this moment of being ashamed and too scared of being judged to speak up!   It is just baffling seeing your weaknesses there right in front of you! 

But my husbands words have helped me and you know what – I will keep on praying.  God will put a moment like this in front of me again,  He will put those words on my tongue to speak again and I will say them.  People will always judge!  I can’t stop what they will think, how they think or how they act.

Its funny that the people who know you well,  will be the ones who judge you the most.    Even though they of course know exactly the type of person I am, but there is that element of me that knows that they will judge me and see me differently!   And if they do, they do!!  I can never change someone else, I can only focus on me!

And I know the type of person I am.  I am a Christian woman who can be trusted because I seek first God.  It is often the error of men that people focus on and judge.  There is no error in God!

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